What did I miss as a Queer?

This is the story of a 19-year-old queer who spoke to us about his life.

“It was easy for me to be positive all the time because I had hope that I wouldn’t feel alone even though I am a Queer. I never knew that my experience of life, minute by minute, second by second is surrounded by light. I had a rough childhood. It was mostly filled with dark thoughts of me crying because my family and friends ridiculed me. But slowly, I realized that it is a part of my life as being a Queer. At that time, I was not even able to comprehend what I was going through, just had a feeling that it’s unacceptable by everyone, a feeling that I was different.

I used to laugh every time when someone called me a ‘chakka’ – a derogatory term for non-binary people. I tried to ignore all the people who ridiculed me for playing with girls. I was used to hide my identity with my parents because I wanted people to be happy when they were around me. I wanted to feel accepted, loved, and appreciated and did everything I could. I decided to care for others’ happiness and not think of mine.

Throughout my life, I have seen my friends and classmates play, laugh and have fun and it would hit me ‘why is it only so different from me?’, ‘why are they making me fun of me?’, ‘why am I not appreciated?’ all these questions keep revolving around. Before I could adapt myself and understand the feeling, it was too late to express myself to others. So, I decided to become an independent and stronger person and built a wall around me to be happy and have the life with everything possible that makes me be in peace and pleasure.

A question that I keep asking myself that it is not something that I could get over with. I can never get over my experience as I have been through tough times. I asked myself what was I missing as a Queer? Can you take a guess as to what I miss? It is actually nothing. Yes, I had trouble growing up. But I feel that even if I was a straight boy, I would have had the same issues.

When most of my friends started dating, they questioned me on what and how I was going to start the romantic chapter of my life. I did not have an answer because I was still figuring how to stay safe, happier, and with a hope that things would change someday. Something I told myself is that there is no difference in my life. Either as a queer or as a heterosexual, there would have not been too much difference in my life. To my other friends from the community who are just coming out, I tell them to promise themselves that they shouldn’t lose themselves over their past and should figure out their fears and be the perfect queer. Though it is not a pep talk, it boosts them to know that they will still be loved and that they have a better life waiting their way. I tell them that my life is as beautiful as it could have been and nothing could change the way I am meant to be loved.”